Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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