while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
