Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
