I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
