Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
