oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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