whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
