It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
