so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
