Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
