he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
