i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
