so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
