I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
