I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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