i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
