Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
