wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
