he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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