GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
