i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
