i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
