Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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