we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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