Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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