I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
