if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
