Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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