he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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