there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
