I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
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There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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