just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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