you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
