I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
