when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
