i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
