We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
