He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I deserve this hangover.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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