you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
