I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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