Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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