am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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