I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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