eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
