Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
