Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
