You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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