yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I looked at my own cervix.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
