My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
