Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
