You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
