i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
