i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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