how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
