I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
