She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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