Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Too much gin, very little bucket
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
