You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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